Congratulations You're Pregnant!
Now comes doubt, fear, anxiety and the feeling that everything is out of your hands. Welcome to pregnancy after loss.
Getting that positive is supposed to be the most exciting news. Tears of joy, happy laughter and dreaming of the months ahead. Maybe this is how it is for some, but for women who have miscarried, getting a positive pregnancy test can be challenging. It isn’t that we aren’t overjoyed, or excited, we are. We are trying to push those thoughts away though, because we know how hard it is to feel the disappointment and sadness when it doesn’t work out.
1 in 3 Pregnancies End in Miscarriage
Wow… those are not odds we like to hear. Most women, who have never experienced a miscarriage may not even know these very real ratios. I didn’t, I was blissfully unaware of these scary miscarriage rates. Until, we had our 8 week scan to see if we were in fact carrying twins. We weren’t, we were carrying triplets. Two identical and one fraternal. Unfortunately, we also found out that there were no heartbeats that could be found– I had had a missed miscarriage. What did I do, what went wrong, why did this happen to us? The answer is, there is no answer–ugh.
Our BFP After Our Miscarriage
Our BFP came about 4 months after we heard the devastating news. I won’t lie and say we were jumping for joy, we weren’t. We were both doubtful, scared and cautious. Afraid to get excited, only to be let down again. Also afraid to become attached only to have to mourn another loss.
We called the doctor right away to inform her that we were pregnant again. Then we had our first appointment at 5 weeks. News Flash, it was too early to see anything, so they brought us into a room and sat us down, tears fell from my eyes straight away. They talk to you a different way when it isn’t good news. Their smiles are softer and their eyes tell the truth.
We were told “It could be too early to see anything, or maybe there is nothing to see. You’ll need to get a blood test today and another on Monday and we’ll go from there.”
They sent us for a qualitative HcG test, which will show whether it was just too early to see anything, if you’re having an early miscarriage or if you weren’t pregnant to begin with.
Bad News Comes Slower Than Good News… Most of the Time
Later that afternoon, after my first blood test, I got a call from a nurse (who later became the best nurse in the world to us). She informed me that my Beta HcG was 1134.2. This meant that I was definitely pregnant and that the ultrasound was most likely done too early, but that they’ll know more after my blood test on Monday.
Monday night I was called and told that my new Beta HcG (qualitative HcG) was 7500 and that I needed to go to EPRAC that Thursday for a new ultrasound. Thursday morning we were seen right away by the best nurse in the world and she informed us that the doctor would come and do our ultrasound. The ultrasound was done and they found both the yolk sac and embryo!
Next week we went back to the first clinic and got yet another ultrasound and then met with nurses, doctors, nutritionist and finally the OB.
The OB said that there was a heartbeat present, but the heart rate wasn’t as high as he’d like. It was at 122bmp, which is on the low side of normal. Great, more good news.
The following Tuesday, I started to bleed. I felt angry. I didn’t rush to the hospital, instead I walked Willson, called my Hubby and we went when he got home. After 16 hours in Emergency we got an ultrasound which confirmed that the little bugger was fine.
Fast forward to Thursday, we went back to EPRAC met the best nurse in the world again, and were told that the heart rate was between 150-160 and that I have a hematoma in my uterus. So, good news baby’s heart rate is rising, bad news I had to go on modified bed rest.
A Hematoma… Great What Next?
At this point I was exhausted. Not only was I stressed out and on modified bed rest, I was also getting really bad morning sickness where I was throwing up 4-7 times a day. I had to go back to EPRAC 2 more times because I kept bleeding on and off, but every time they reassured us that the baby was doing fine. Finally at 10 weeks, the bleeding had stopped. I still had the hematoma, so I wasn’t able to walk, but I could relax a little bit.
12 Week Scan
Up until the 12-week scan, I was feeling detatched from this little peanut. I didn’t talk to my belly like I had the first time, I didn’t rub my belly and I was constantly scared when I went to use the bathroom.
The 12 weeks scan made us very nervous, because this scan told us whether the little monkey had any chromosomal abnormalities. I figured once we were told that all was good, I could finally breathe that sigh of relief and go on to enjoy the rest of this pregnancy.
And finally we had a scan with all good news: Baby was measuring great and had no signs of any issues and my hematoma was completely gone! We could finally tell our families and be happy about this little monkey.
You Don’t Just Stop Worrying Though
Even though our 12 week scan was great and the one after that was also wonderful, I haven’t been able to stop worrying. I am definitely more relaxed than I was weeks ago, but I still have this fear that something will go wrong.
Now, though, I don’t let the worry overpower me. I rub my ever-growing belly, I talk to this little jumpy monkey and now that I can feel the baby moving every now and again I get really excited.
Stay off the blog sites that talk about miscarriages. I joined too many chats to help me feel better about the miscarriage, but they also brought more fear this time around, hearing people’s stories about their losses. We worry enough after loss to not have to read about other people’s losses as well. Every single thing you feel will start to worry you, when most likely there is nothing to worry about.
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